Do you know what to say to a close friend who lost her husband or how to support a colleague who lost his son to suicide? If you don’t, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with how to respond to someone in grief and realize they aren’t equipped with the proper tools to support them. Despite someone’s best intentions, misplaced or unexpressed words and actions can damage long-term relationships, especially during grief. ​
​Everyone grieves differently. There is no standard, quick-fix approach to supporting someone who has experienced a painful loss. Relying on what feels comfortable to you is often ineffective and, in some cases, can cause disconnection and more pain. This includes offering familiar phrases that are comfortable for us and what we assume the person grieving wants to hear or needs from us.​
The hard truth: You cannot say or do anything to make someone grieving feel their pain any less.
It may seem counterintuitive, but when we make efforts to help someone feel better, it can be invalidating and dismissive. Instead, support them by acknowledging their pain and by listening. 

What can I say or do to support?​

1. ​ First and foremost, be genuine. Don’t be afraid to say you struggle with emotions or are worried you are going to say the wrong thing.  
  • “I don’t know what to do or say, but I’m here for you in this and willing to learn what you need from me.”
  • “I’m worried I will say the wrong thing to you and make things worse, but I want to try to be there for you.” 

2.  Reach out, even if you don’t know exactly what to say or do and don’t get a response back. 

3.  Empathize and validate their feelings and behaviors. Empathy is not about relating to someone’s exact experience; it’s about relating to their emotions. Validating is about understanding and expressing acceptance of their emotional experience. 
  • “Yes, this is hard.”
  • ”I can understand you feeling hopeless.”
  • “I’d be angry too.”
  • “This just sucks.”
  • ​Anything that says, “It’s okay to feel that way,” and “What you are doing is normal.”

​4.  Talk to them about their loss and listen; you don’t have to say anything. If they don’t want to talk, it’s okay to sit in silence with them. Simply being with them can be more powerful than anything you can say in words.
  • “If you are up for it, I would love to share some memories of Mildred.”
  • “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

What should I NOT say or do?​

1.  Don’t avoid someone grieving. This one may seem obvious, but it can happen when we don’t know what to say or are worried about saying the wrong thing. If you learn of a loss, reach out to them, or if you see them in public, acknowledge them.
  • DO : “I heard about Ron. This is awful.”
  • DO: “I just heard what happened. Can you talk now, or can I call you later today?”

2.  Don’t offer unsolicited opinions or advice. Keep your judgments to yourself. The way they think, how they feel, what they believe, and what they do is expected and normal. 
  • DON'T: “You should sell your house so you aren’t reminded of what happened.”
  • DON'T: “I think getting another dog soon would be a good idea.”
  • DON'T: “It’s time to move on.”
  • DON'T: “It’s not that bad.”

3.  Don’t try to pacify their emotions with trite sayings to help them see the “bright side” of the situation. They may come to that conclusion for themselves, but if you say it to them, it can invalidate and dismiss their pain.
  • DON'T: “He is in a better place.”
  • DON'T: “It was her time to go.”
  • DON'T: “At least they aren't suffering anymore.”
  • DON'T: “God must have had a different plan for her.
  • DON'T: “Things happen for a reason.”
  • DON'T: ​“Time heals all wounds.”
To learn more about what to say and what not to say to your loved one in grief, along with multiple examples, ​you can buy the handy pocket-sized paperback now. ​This compact guide offers clarity on the complex journey of grief, delivering invaluable insights into how to offer meaningful support and avoid common pitfalls when consoling someone during grief.  A range of compassionate responses are presented that go beyond the usual "sorry for your loss." It will equip you with the words to offer comfort and gain the confidence to be a supportive presence when it's needed most.
“The most useful asset of a person is not a head full of knowledge
but a heart full of love,
with ears open to listen,
​and hands willing to help.”
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